Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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