The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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