currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize