The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
