It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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