what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
