It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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