I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize