...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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