I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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