how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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