Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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