got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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