Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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