I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
