my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
