I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
