Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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