Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
