Your face is a jimmy john
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
