i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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