I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Randomize
