I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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