think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
