I can text with my tongue
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
