I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
