Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
