You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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