Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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