I heard we made out
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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