My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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