I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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