I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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