At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
