I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I have post one night stand depression
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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