i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
