If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
