dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
