I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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