He is such a slut. More and more my type.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
