Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
