he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
how drunk are you?
Several
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
