I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
