but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Still dying that you shit outside
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
