I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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