god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
