I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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