i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
