At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
