My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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