Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
