just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
