I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
