I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
