The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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