if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We need to get me chipped asap
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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