This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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