three words: i give head
three words: not that well
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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