Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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