he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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