waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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