So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't deserve a penis
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
These tits shall not be calmed
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
