last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
