ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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