I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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