No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
