A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
